Why after all this time?

Why after all this time do u have to come back into my life and make me so confused? What do you really want from me? I don't understand why you feel u had to find me? Do you still love me, still have feelings for me? what? everything was good.... i mean i found someone i connect with on so many different levels in my life, someone who understands me that i feel comfortable with telling things i dont tell people about me, well most of it, eventually when i trust him more i will reveal everything and see if he wants to deal with me any more... that scares me... the whole thing scares me... like i could see myself falling for him eventually... and that really SCARES me. the closer and closer i become to this person on a personal level i feel i can trust him... i mean i know in some way he does care about me or what happened that day wouldnt have happened. and i know he's not bad for me.... as far as the other things in my life..... and i want to get to know him more on every level..... not just a lust thing, not just a sex thing..... but more..... and it scares me..... i'm not sure if i'm ready to give my heart, or open up my heart again to get hurt..... there is always that possibility..... but maybe if i dont take that chance i'll regret not doing that later in life... like maybe it would be something good eventually maybe it could work if we both wanted it... just take it slow and see where it goes... he's already got me in certain ways.... like i cant wait to talk to him when he's not busy.... and he always makes me smile.... and i'm ok with where we are right now in this friendship thing we got.... i think i'm gonna take that chance... yeah... ok i gotta go for now kinda tired...... but until next time.....

It's been a while

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think About you, I know
Only when you stop to think About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?
That's how i feel today........ all those feelings keep coming back stronger and stronger each time i try and try to fight them but i can't..... i feel it coming on all those old bad habits and its a fresh new year, why now after all this time doing so good is it all falling apart.... why now am i telling myself that i dont deserve what i have... am i under too much stress? do i think i should be doing more with my life? i know i've felt depressed the last couple days, not being in a relationship with someone mostly. i'm going to be 30 and i'm not married no family and that depresses me. and i want all that. there is someone that i really like but it will never work... it just wont. that's how i feel about my addiction....... i'm addicted to everything, just everything i spend money compulsively, i have an eating disorder, i'm cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, pills, u name it i love it.... caffine, cigarettes, if i'm in a relationship, sex, even if i'm not but i'm chillin with a guy but he would be regular... i'm a mess... and no one can fix me.. not even me... and i hate it.. ew i hate myself... its gross... have had a lot of thoughts of Greg and Marvin alot more lately... I know Greg is in Ny, I know that for a fact... Marvin I don't know where he is, I don't know if I want to know either... and then there is this other guy we'll call him "Homer" well I like Homer, probably more than i should... it won't work between us and i know this in my heart and soul, and i'm setting myself up for rejection, i think i'm addicted to being rejected. can that be an addiction? i'm not real sure about that...hmmmm never really thought of it like that.. Well it's getting late and I havent talked to Homer today at all... which doesnt surprise me, he does this to me alot of the time... which is y i'm really keeping my guard up with him.. i'm not letting it down not one bit.. no fuckin way... i'm trying to make myself not like him... more and more every day... just trying and trying and trying.. but can it really work? time will tell my friend. i'm off it's late and i'm tired and my head hurts from thinking about things.... i want a big rock to smoke and i'd be alright for about 15 seconds............. ok.........gotta stop talkin bout that shit....... gotta go to bed........ gotta.... night