This is my family. Adrian, Gabriella and (me) Miranda.
September 1, 2011
I haven't blogged in nearly a year, I haven't blogged since that day I lost my baby. My first child. My only child. My Gabriella. It's hard to think of that day last year in September. Its hard to think of her tiny little body, even though she moved her hands and smiled somewhat at times its hard to think about. Days are harder than others. It's difficult on days to look at her picture, to talk about her with her father. We hardly ever talk about her with each other. Hardly ever speak her name to each other. We always say "the baby". I speak her name to other people. She lived. She lived for 18 weeks inside of me, and for 2 short hours after she was born. She lived. It's hard to think her anniversary is coming up upon us so quickly. It's hard to think how fast one year has gone by. That the anniversary of her birth and death will be upon us in a few short weeks. I dread for that day to come. I know I will be a mess. I am having people over and will I'm sure be heavily medicated to make it through the day, as I was the day of her funeral. For I did not cry or show emotion that entire day. I was like a zombie a lot of it is extremely hazy to me. I remember people hugging me telling me how sorry they were for my loss. I hardly spoke a word. Maybe uttered a thank you here or there. Thank you for coming. The thing I remember is my 5 yr old nephew laying a flower pot next to her tiny casket. When they said the final prayer and said it was time to leave the cemetary I remember I cried out. Not a cry of tears even though I was sobbing it was more of a very loud cry of hurt, that was my baby and I had to leave her behind. As I write this now my eyes are filling up with tears. I miss her every day. I think of her every day. What would she look like? What things would she be doing now at almost 8 months old if she had made it to her due date. Would she be saying dada or mama? Would she be daddy's little girl? My heart will never be whole again. There will always be a piece missing, the piece she took with her the day she left us. If and when I am blessed with children again, I will tell them about their big sister. I will love them with my whole heart. It won't be the same love I have for Gabriella. For that is a different kind of love. We do not have much as in terms of anything. We have an apartment we rent, very little furniture, a car we are still paying for. I cannot work due to a disability, which I am currently waiting to get my disability so we can have a little more income coming in. We live basically paycheck to paycheck. My family paid for Gabriella's services. They paid for them to open my grandmothers grave site. For we do not have a family plot of our own yet. So she is buried 3 hours away from me with my grandmother. At least I know she is safe. I dream of her often. Sometimes my dreams are so real I think she's really here. Right after she passed for weeks I had recurring dreams I would be in the hospital holding her as she died, which she did pass away in my arms. Then they would let me bring her home, she would get smaller and smaller and smaller in my hand until I would think I dropped her in the bed. There were many times I would litterally jump out of my bed in mid sleep searching for her in the bed, hoping not to crush her, running into every room looking for her not being able to find her and for a parent not being able to find their child in their home is the most horrific feeling ever. It would be I would finally come to my senses and remember she was GONE. She would be gone forever. Her picture sits by our bed in a frame she is wearing a little pink gown with a little white bonnet holding a little tiny lamb. For months I carried that lamb wherever I went there wouldn't be a day I did not have it. I slept with it, I carried it in my purse. On her picture frame there is pasted a yellow rose the chaplin at the hospital gave to me after her baptism ceremony. Also a tiny sea shell he used to baptise her with. The saddest thing for me is not having her headstone. I know it will make it really final. That once I see that stone with her name engraved on it that will be it. It will really be over, no more hope that one day I will wake up and there she'll be. We unfortunately cannot afford to get her one at the moment. It breaks my heart. Who could think someones heart could break any more than it already is. A lot of things don't matter to me anymore. Things that did in the past I don't think about. I don't talk to people anymore. I used to talk to my mother every day. I call her every once in a while now. I shut down from everyone. In December 2011 I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for about a week. I was hearing voices telling me "it's your fault she's dead" I started to believe them. I even contemplated suicide and knew exactly how I would do it. My boyfriend was very scared I was going to kill myself. He actually made me check in to the hospital along with my therapist. I would've killed myself. I can honestly say that now. It was right there. They give me a very strong sedative for sleep that sometimes doesn't work. I knew if I took enough of it along with all of my anxiety medication there would be no stopping me that time. I have tried to commit suicide in the past actually on 4 different occasions, I did not succeed as you can see. I almost did in November 2010. I overdosed on morphine. I was in a coma for almost 24 hours before they brought me to. I didn't know my name. I didn't know my family. I didn't know my birthday. I was scared because I didn't know anything. If it weren't for my boyfriend realising something wasn't right with me, and staying awake while I "slept" I would be dead today. He called 911 after he woke me up 3 times and the last time I wouldn't wake and my breathing was extremely shallow. If not for him I'd be dead, and Gabriella would've never been conceived or born I would've never had the joy of being able to see her. To know her for that short time. That is all I can say for now. I'm sorry I'm getting too emotional and I just can't do it today. I will try to write more soon.
