What to do...

I'm trying not to stress out right now... especially for the baby. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm in love with him, but he continues to do the same crap over and over. Talking to other females, telling them how much he wants to do things to them, but doesn't even know them. Meanwhile, I sit here pretending everything is ok, that I'm just fine, thinking how this is going to affect our baby. I don't want to bring a child into this world and have them think its fine to treat a woman like this. That as long as you're not sleeping around on someone you're not technically cheating. If you are having thoughts of other women, going on dating sites, giving out your number, calling, texting and imming them, while you have someone at home, cleaning and cooking for you and who is now about to have your child, you're doing her dirty. You said you were different than other guys, I just don't see it anymore. Everyone tells me to leave you take you for child support. If I do that I'm afraid you won't be any part of our baby's life, like your dad wasn't there for you, it makes me sad to think about. I wish you could be more vocal with me about how you're feeling. You say you're trying, but really you're not. I'm about to stop trying myself. I'm ready to give up on everything. You make me sad. You really do most of the time anymore. You tell people I'm your friend. Or I'm your roommate. That you're single. I had one of your so called "friends" say to me if I wanted him I could've had him already, haha.. maybe you should ask him why he tells everyone he's single and that you're his roommate. That shit really bothered me. Seriously bothered me. To the point I felt like when the baby comes just leaving because what will we be? Your roommates? I feel as though you're ashamed. Ashamed of me, ashamed of the baby. That you wish I wasn't having a baby. Every time I think about that I cry. I just can't help it. You make me so self conscience, especially how you talk to other females. I feel like nothing. At least the baby will love me. No matter what, I will always have someone who will love me. There are times I'd like you to read this, others where I just want this to stay private. I don't even know if you remember I have this anymore.
The reason I am so angry at the fact of you looking at those disgusting things on the computer is when the baby gets older, you decide you're going to look at that stuff and they are playing some game or something online, they decide to start typing away not knowing and come across that shit? OMG!!! I would have to kill you! You don't think its strange that a "woman" is posting pictures of two men sucking each other off? That she has such an obsession with penis? But yet on other sites "she" has says "she" only wants to talk to women? She's not a woman. I don't care what you think. That is either a Transgender man, a hermaphrodite, or a bi-sexual man. I don't understand how you don't get it. Which makes me wonder about you looking at that stuff. Do you have those kind of feelings? You say you're just browsing? But what are you really doing? Because if you do like that, be you! Be happy. Don't keep hiding, if not why are you looking at that stuff????????
I don't understand.....

I have got to go before I have a break down again over this crap.....more again later :/

More to come SOON

a lot has been going on lately.. sorry i havent posted in over a year, i actually have been extremely busy with things, and haven't had time.. I will be getting on more frequently and posting what has been going on with me in the last year, and how i have felt.

Just need to clear my heart........ and head

Well, here it is 3 months into a relationship with someone that I once again let myself care about.... well i didn't let myself care about him again, i mean i let myself care in general! Anyway.... I have had the feeling the last couple weeks he just doesnt want me around... i mean i kind of have a sixth sense about things at times and sometimes i can almost read minds i know its weird and kind of eerie but its the truth... i just feel like he resents the fact that i'm here.... and then something happened and i know i shouldnt have done it but i was online and happend to come across an email he sent to someone telling her about himself and he just happened to tell her that he was in a relationship but that he is still looking........ wow.... well gee thanks for looking when you say you love me.... i.....appreciate it? i'm glad that i met you..... yeah i really am....... i'm glad i told my family how good you are to me.... and how nice you are and i'm glad that you met them and that my father likes you......... my father likes you..... and he doesnt like anyone i bring home............. but hey.... i was the one who was stupid..... i was the one who put up with the lies when i first got here.... i was the one who had to hide and not walk with you for the sake of being seen by her......... i was the one who had to be quiet and wasnt aloud to answer the phone for the fear of her hearing my voice or knowing i was here........ i was stupid........ i was played by someone who was supposed to be different who swears up and down he's not like all the other guys in the world the one who let me pay for everything for months....... while he spent his money on her..... the one who wont even hardly touch me anymore, who tells me that he doesnt ever want to have sex with me anymore but in the same breath says get on top.......... the one who actually got me to open my heart after two years of trying to protect it.... the one i've known for years and years and finally said lets give it a shot....... so when something better comes along he can say he's leaving? and just go or tell me to move out? but then again i was stupid.. i'm the one who packed up what little belongings i had left after two moves, and all the money i had saved over months and dropped it all on an apartment..... with you.... the one who i started to fall for months before moving in but i didnt want to show it... the one i thought was genuine and who truely cared for me.... but in all actuality i know you don't.... i'll be ok... one day i will i'll bounce back again just like i have from every other heart ache i've had.... i mean shoot i was with marvin for two years and he just up and walked out of my life without even so much as a goodbye... i got over that yeah so it took me about a year and a half before i could even go anywhere with a man and two and a half years before i could even date again.... which brought me to you and all i could think was he has an education, he's never been in jail, he's not a drug dealer, he's not a fuckin thug, he has a job, he's a nice guy, and he deserves to have someone who truely cares for him in his life, and all i hoped was that you would pick me and when you did i felt so grateful, like ya know he doesnt hit me, he's not addicted to drugs, he doesnt sell them, he has a job, he's never been in jail, he doesnt talk down to me or make me feel like i'm a slut, cuz greg called me a slut every day for two years, and hit me when we'd fight..... and i really believed that after a while... and you just seemed too good to be true, i guess i was right... so i won't stop you from finding happiness any longer, i will pack up and leave, not really sure where i will go, but i will get along just fine... i have in the past and i think i can manage in the future, the only thing i want is for you to be happy and if you're not happy with me then i've got to go..... so i hope you find the woman of your dreams and i truely hope that she makes you the happiest man in the world and i hope that you will always be happy and that god blesses you with everything you desire! but i won't be able to talk to you after i leave, i hope you understand it would just be too hard for me and i can't do that again... sometimes you make me wish greg was still in my life, just for the simple fact that he was honest with me, he told me when he'd go out and fuck other girls, and he'd tell me how much he couldnt stand me and that he didnt love me and that no man ever wifey's a fat chick they just fuck them... i guess he was right on that... cuz that's all i seem to be any good for... but don't worry cuz i know you don't like to have sex with me and i wont ask you for it anymore.. i really don't need it any way i went without for 3 years i can go longer it's fine. i'm just sorry that you feel like you just can't be honest with me and tell me that you don't want to be with me that you are still looking for someone to be in a relationship with i wouldnt freak out on you i'd just leave... but everytime i say i'm going to leave you tell me not to go........ i don't really understand why you tell me not to go... you really don't want me... i just wish you would tell me that you don't want to be in a relationship with me or that if u find someone who is better than me you will leave... for her or see her on the side or whatever.... i'm sorry you feel you can't be honest with me about anything... i think my time with you is over now.... i don't trust you at all anymore.. and you don't love me or want to be with me.... but i will never forget just how you made me feel special even though i really wasn't and i'll cherish the time we spent together even though you never will.... so this is my good bye to you i love you very very much but you don't feel the same for me and it's not fair to me and my heart can't take being broken again by someone that i am falling in love with....... or was falling in love with..... so i will say goodbye with dignity and grace and leave on a good note with you, just don't be upset if i do not call, or email, or write back.... i can't, besides i don't really expect you to try to keep in touch..... it was nice while it lasted i liked playing wifey and thinking about a future with you in and thinking how happy i would be....... yeah....... i was obviously dreaming..... since i know how you truely feel i will no longer make you feel that you HAVE to do something for me or that you HAVE to do bf stuff for me..... i know we aren't together, you just like to play with my head like we are... so goodbye and good luck....... i wish you all the happiness and joy in the world!!! take care.

Another day in my life

So it's thursday march 13, 2008.... I'm in Reading, PA now. Alot has happened in the last few months, and I haven't posted anything since it has. Sorry about that. So anyway here I go. Well Marvin came back into my life for a minute.. that was interesting to say the least. he stole over $300 from me and took off.... junkie! then i got into a fight with my grandfather, which i'm not proud to say happened, but it did, and i moved out. then, i ended up moving here with a friend, well i'm not sure what he is now, he was a friend, and every day it's something different, sometimes he's my friend, sometimes he's my room mate, and sometimes he's my bf it all depends on who he's talking to. which really bothers me. pick one and that's what i am.. period! make up your damn mind already!!! so i'm really not sure what i want in life anymore. what to do what to do........ i don't know....... i'm not sure....... i'm real confused by everything. if he would only talk to me about how he feels, or tell me what he wants i'd be ok, instead he says i dont know what to say or i dont know. it's weird. i'm just so disgusted with things at the moment. at least i have my meds and i'm not nutty or we'd all be in trouble. lmao. well i'm going to get going for now. and get some things done around the house. i will write again soon! until next time.............

Why after all this time?

Why after all this time do u have to come back into my life and make me so confused? What do you really want from me? I don't understand why you feel u had to find me? Do you still love me, still have feelings for me? what? everything was good.... i mean i found someone i connect with on so many different levels in my life, someone who understands me that i feel comfortable with telling things i dont tell people about me, well most of it, eventually when i trust him more i will reveal everything and see if he wants to deal with me any more... that scares me... the whole thing scares me... like i could see myself falling for him eventually... and that really SCARES me. the closer and closer i become to this person on a personal level i feel i can trust him... i mean i know in some way he does care about me or what happened that day wouldnt have happened. and i know he's not bad for me.... as far as the other things in my life..... and i want to get to know him more on every level..... not just a lust thing, not just a sex thing..... but more..... and it scares me..... i'm not sure if i'm ready to give my heart, or open up my heart again to get hurt..... there is always that possibility..... but maybe if i dont take that chance i'll regret not doing that later in life... like maybe it would be something good eventually maybe it could work if we both wanted it... just take it slow and see where it goes... he's already got me in certain ways.... like i cant wait to talk to him when he's not busy.... and he always makes me smile.... and i'm ok with where we are right now in this friendship thing we got.... i think i'm gonna take that chance... yeah... ok i gotta go for now kinda tired...... but until next time.....

It's been a while

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think About you, I know
Only when you stop to think About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?
That's how i feel today........ all those feelings keep coming back stronger and stronger each time i try and try to fight them but i can't..... i feel it coming on all those old bad habits and its a fresh new year, why now after all this time doing so good is it all falling apart.... why now am i telling myself that i dont deserve what i have... am i under too much stress? do i think i should be doing more with my life? i know i've felt depressed the last couple days, not being in a relationship with someone mostly. i'm going to be 30 and i'm not married no family and that depresses me. and i want all that. there is someone that i really like but it will never work... it just wont. that's how i feel about my addiction....... i'm addicted to everything, just everything i spend money compulsively, i have an eating disorder, i'm cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, pills, u name it i love it.... caffine, cigarettes, if i'm in a relationship, sex, even if i'm not but i'm chillin with a guy but he would be regular... i'm a mess... and no one can fix me.. not even me... and i hate it.. ew i hate myself... its gross... have had a lot of thoughts of Greg and Marvin alot more lately... I know Greg is in Ny, I know that for a fact... Marvin I don't know where he is, I don't know if I want to know either... and then there is this other guy we'll call him "Homer" well I like Homer, probably more than i should... it won't work between us and i know this in my heart and soul, and i'm setting myself up for rejection, i think i'm addicted to being rejected. can that be an addiction? i'm not real sure about that...hmmmm never really thought of it like that.. Well it's getting late and I havent talked to Homer today at all... which doesnt surprise me, he does this to me alot of the time... which is y i'm really keeping my guard up with him.. i'm not letting it down not one bit.. no fuckin way... i'm trying to make myself not like him... more and more every day... just trying and trying and trying.. but can it really work? time will tell my friend. i'm off it's late and i'm tired and my head hurts from thinking about things.... i want a big rock to smoke and i'd be alright for about 15 seconds............. ok.........gotta stop talkin bout that shit....... gotta go to bed........ gotta.... night

Is this the end my friend?

Well it's New Year's Eve, and again I'm alone. Will 2008 be my year? Will I finally find happiness? Will I find the man I've been looking for my entire life? Doubtful. There is someone that I do care about, but he has told me point blank he does not want a girlfriend, he's just looking for someone to screw, so to speak. I'm not all about that. So I really don't see the point of trying to see him. Well I don't mean not seeing him and hanging out I mean as in any kind of relationship ya know. It's all good though. I'm going to make this year my year. I'm doing it for me. Everything is going to be about me no one else just me. And if people don't like it oh well. This is my time to shine and I'm gonna do ME!!!! Well I've got to go clean and all that jazz that goes with it.. so I can get things ready.. so until next time..........

Mood Swings

Just trying to figure out how things can be so good one minute, then be a complete asshole to you the next. I didn't know what i did to deserve it. But I got major attitude tonight. i was just trying to be nice and sincere, and caring. then i got a big go fuck yourself pretty much. I really wanted him to come see me the end of february or the beging of march.. And as long as granpda and I get along until that time i'm sure that he would let him stay here. Which would be so awesome. then we wouldnt have to pay for a hotel room or anything, maybe if i clean out the back room and get that done before feb then he'll let Adrian come over. I dont want to end our friendship the way it happened tonight. I really do care about him as a friend. The only thing is he he doesn't like to talk about his feelings I guess like any other man. But I do truely care for him. as a friend and maybe who knows what will happen in the future maybe something will come of it.

Also I'm kind of stressed out about Social Security, I mean I don't want to live off it forever, but I NEED money to be able to live, and it would help out so much. Besides if I need something for school I won't have to ask for any money from my grandfather. I just hope and pray that he lets Adrian come stay for the weekend. That would be awesome. Well, I guess that i'm going to go for now.... I'll write again soon i'm sure.. thanks for reading

So it's Christmas...........

It's christmas evening. I cooked dinner, ate a little bit but it just didnt seem the same. Granny wasn't hear to share it with us. I really didnt' expect many gifts either, but i did get some things that i really liked it was pretty cool. I spoke with adrian again today. just to wish him a merry christmas. It just doesnt seem possible that i can like someone the way i like him. i want to take it slow, yet a part of me wants to push him far far away. and i feel that same thing coming from him like the pushing part. he bit my head off yesterday when i called and he said i dont want to talk to ANYONE and we hung up. i felt like saying sorry i bothered you. but i just said i'd talk to you later and let it go. part of me really wants to get to know him even better but yet part of me wants to push him so far away that he will either hate me or never want to speak with me again. i know thats sick... and i told him today that i just want someone who is going to like me for me and eventually love me and fall in love with me for the person that i am. Is that wrong? i've never really had a good relationship with men in my entire life. it started when i was litttle and ended when i got rid of Greg. i really dont have much more to write at the moment but i will be back to finish this.............. next time...........

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore

I'm so confused about everything anymore. It's almost christmas and it just doesnt feel the same without granny here. its just weird. i'm really not sure what to do with myself. i just want to get high on anything or everything and or just get this shit over with and end it all........ i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. I really like this guy and i keep pushing him away... i guess i'm just scared. That he's going to hurt me in the long run. He was really sweet, and he's easy to talk to, then he get's weird and doesnt want to talk, I just dont know what to do with anything anymore... like why the hell do guys have to play head games... i'm going to watch my new movie i got for xmas........... i just want to be left alone

Life will be okay

Today I got up early and went to court... no no not for myself this time, actually it was to observe a lawyer and interview him for a class project in school. He asked me to come and observe him tomorrow as well. So that's pretty cool. I'm diggin it! He was very nice. Tomorrow he has a couple of guilty plea's and then some appointments in his office, and we may be going to lunch i'm not sure. other than that everything is good... still confused about how i feel but i'm starting to see things a little more clearly now.... maybe someday i'll be clear. lol.... ya know. tonight is the christmas party for bowling.. yeah i'm in a league.. i suck!! i'm a terrible bowler... but i go to have fun and thats what i do... for some reason today i just feel okay with everything going on.. life couldnt get better for now.. my sister and my awesome little nephew are coming up this weekend for christmas and i can't wait to see them i havent seen them since thanksgiving.. it will be so great. well that's all for now i've got to go get ready.

Better Man

I was listening to this song.. I'm sure you've heard it.. by Pearl Jam and the lyrics really just hit home...

Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Ohh...

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah...

She loved him, yeah...
she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah...
that's why she'll be back again

Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better... man...

it really makes me think that i cant find a better man... i try and try to look and look in all the wrong places.. so i'm going to stop looking for love and let it find me this time. i'm sick and tired of trying to make relationships work.. there is/was someone i really like or liked or something i just don't know anymore how i feel. i think i got the answer that i was looking for the day i was told there was no reply for an email... that wall that everyone puts up went right back up higher than it's ever been and i dont know if i can let it down even slightly.. i don't think i want to. i've done it one too many times and i've gotten nothing but heartache and hurt. and i dont want to cry over someone again. i used to have this dream i'd meet the man i was going to marry when i was 20 and we'd start having kids by time i was 25 and we'd be a happy family. Dreams change... life happens... look at me now i'm 28 years old.. been convicted of many crimes all which i did.. i have a problem i deal with that every single day it will never go away and i can slip at any time at all. i also suffer from an eating disorder which isnt good. and to top it off i'm on medication for Bipolar II disorder.. which could be from all the abuse i dealt with my entire life. that's why i associate abuse with love... if i'm being abused in some way then they love me... am i fucked up or what? yeah yeah yeah i know i know.. you dont have to tell me i live in my head 24-7. actually when i'm on my meds i'm not a bad person. i'm very down to earth and i just want someone to love me for everything that i am. is that really to much to ask? seriously? i dont know. it seems to be at times.. let's see where did my problems really start besides my home life, i'm not really sure, school maybe. i hated school. even though i'm a bright person i really didnt care for school too much. go figure. now i'm in school taking paralegal studies. it will be a new thing to be on the other side of the law for once in my life. i'm actually not doing too shabby in the classes either one class i have a 94.5% and the other class i have an 88.7% it's a little harder to follow i had a hard time following that in the begining but thats just because my brain goes so much faster that i can't comprehend what i'm reading at times and there was so much reading that i didnt take everything in that i should have... but i have two weeks off so i'm going to be workin my ass off to catch up and get things rollin....... but that's all i have for now.. so until next time...........

Another Brick in the Wall

So here am I again........ tryin to hold my head up..... chin up big girls don't cry........ don't show any emotions.... if you do it proves you're weak..... weak people don't make it in this world... no.... Did you expect more? really? no not really... you kind of wish it were true... but you know deep down inside what they really want... sometimes i think that's all i'm good for.... every time i say i'm giving up on men... i'm giving up on them.. then i meet someone i really start liking..... and i get disappointed and hurt all over again.. maybe i wear my heart on my sleeve... i'd just like to have love..... that's it... and it's not going to happen for me.... i've thought about it and come to terms with it some what... maybe i'm just not meant for love in my life like that.. could i live by myself the rest of my life? alone?
I did for a year and a half.... it was ok.. lonely..... but ok...
Sheer sadness has fallen over me this past week and I'm not sure where it's coming from... is it from the weather? or from someplace deep inside me where there is no light? that dark place in my life keeps trying to call me back..... slowly every day, knocking on the door.. i'm right here let me in... i'm the only true love you've ever had in your life.. remember how happy i made you when we were together....... when i was gone you'd do anything to get me back..... come on.... just one more time... we can be together again..... you'll be happy until i'm gone.. then that guilty feeling comes back like what did i just do.. omg.... what did i do.. one more time just one more time.... maybe this time death will come upon me, death can be my best friend again..... trying to get there faster then i'm supposed to but i'm trying..... help me to get there you want to... that's why you come into my life you don't want to see me succeed in anything i do.. why try to succeed, when you can have me and be happy for that split second...... and you don't need anyone or any thing else in your life... just one more..... one more....one more.......... one more....... just do another one come on you know you want to.....you've been with me for days now......one more time....... your heart is racing i can feel it...pounding so hard in your chest....you'll be mine soon..... soon we can be together forever........... just one more time.....that's right...put it to your mouth.... feel how good it makes you feel....... you're in ecstacy....... your heart is beating so fast.....so hard in your chest now......... you cant breath hold it in just a little longer......... hear those bells.........god it feels sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good.............. your head drops to your chest you start to convulse.......... your heart stopped beating..... there's no one around to help you this time just me and i'm calling you.......... don't go back just come to me....... i'll be your friend til the end just like chuckie......... you love me....... you have since the first night we met.... you fell in love with me and you'll always be in love with me.... no one can come between us now.............. it's me and you forever...... you're mine.. you came back after two years with out me and you're mine... now and forever........ til death do us part.......... you took the vow and i took your life.......
sometimes i feel like going into that place again....... but i stop myself... i dont go when things get bad and i think about it...... i smell it...... i dream about it... i taste it i still dont go back........ i can beat it i will beat it..... i can do it!

well i'm going to go for now...... until next time

Maybe I'm the one Who's the SCHIZOPHRENIC PSYCHO

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE CONTINUED............

So as I was saying before i left i gotta get the fuck outta here......... i'm going nuts.. thats it.. i heard a song today by Puddle of Mudd. called Psycho..... that's where i got the title to this out put of my emotions cuz if i dont get them out i'm gonna flip. and i dont really want to i'll go into that bad place.................. ew......... mean..... nasty........... it didn't help that i woke up to ignorance this morning........ it probably also didn't help that i saw someone today that i wish i wouldn't ever see again.... but it may have happened for a reason... Sincere....... fuckin asshole of my life.... "I thought that was you girl. Where you been? I talked to ya girl one time she told me where u were. I havent heard from you. How are you? You know you're still mine." hahahahaha....... and thats exactly what i did... laughed in his face. you don't control me anymore asshole.. i'm not that little nieve girl you met back in the day.... i'm not that girl you can take advantage of anymore. go back to brooklyn and leave me the fuck alone!! that's what i wanted to say.. But I didn't I just laughed at him.... like are you for real? I said my life is good now... I don't have the bullshit to deal with... the drama that you and your cousin brought me and the ignorance i had to deal with when i was dealing with you. then i got the look, that same look he had in his eyes that day when he had the gun in his hand.... and i knew he was serious in a way.. and he really wanted me in his life again. i can't do it.. i cant get those calls when he knows i'm getting money i'm not playing wifey while he's fuckin whoever he wants...

I just need him out of my life.... I told him that it was nice to see him and i hope he's happy in all he does but my life is just to hectic to have him in it and that was that... yeah he followed me and tried to talk me out of it tried to tell me "he still loves me" he still thinks about me all the time... well i don't sorry.. it's just not there and hasnt been for the longest... so i kinda lied and told him i was with someone and we were very happy together.. he wanted to know who he was and where he was from.... yikes...... think think think...... oh ok..... got it.. i know just who i can say...... so i gave him some bs about this dude i was fuckin with ........... kevin..... lol well i'm not really fuckin with him...... i dont know what we're doing........ he's too much of a play boy for me.... he thinks he's big pimpin....... but not really.......... he can be my sugar daddy though i dont mind that one bit... actually....... he kind of is in a way i guess... since i've been back up here i've seen him once we went out i had fun... first time in a long time... he came to see me when i lived in lock haven, we talked for a bit. got to know each other then we chilled after my sister's benefit in march.... he's just too young and has no morals and doesnt care who he does as long as it has a pussy..... and thats just nasty.... i'm sorry but it is! and i'm not down with that shit.. he wanted to date me but if i'm dating someone or seeing someone i'd like to be the only one that they are seeing as well. maybe i'm different or maybe i'm just through with the player player shit... i out grew that shit when i met marvin... well after greg really and everything he did to me...

i've thought alot about cutting again.... it would be so easy and no one would know....... and i would feel so much better........ and i wouldn't have to answer to anyone...... i was so embarrassed when greg walked in on me when i was doing that....... i have so many scars and each one has a great significance to what i was going through at that point in my life. it's the way i deal with my hurt... when i was little my hurt dealt with food...... that's probably why i'm so fat today....... i never really knew what true unconditonal love was until marvin...... he didnt hit me..... choke me... punch me......... tell me what a slut i was..... that i was a whore... he just loved me... and i didnt understand how someone could love someone else and not want to hit them...... or tell them what a waste of space they were..... i heard that almost every day when i was growing up.. my father wasnt very nice to me at times... well mostly he wasnt nice to me at all.. i wasn't a boy.. he's told me he wished he didnt have kids until my brother... i am the oldest of 5..... he should put me in foster care... that i'm too fat.... i need to lose weight because no guys date fat girls they don't care about them at all... the biggest fear i ever had as a child was that he would wake up in the middle of the night and start hitting me for no reason....... when that finally happened to me i lost all faith in anything and everything........ there was nothing to save me anymore... i remember praying to God every night please don't let my daddy be mad at me tonight....... that night i was really sleeping.. he thought i was pretending to sleep, i've been hit with every and anything he could get his hands on that was close, he's hit me with a 2 by 4 piece of wood before.... i still have the broken blood vessel on my leg where it happened...... i have so many things i need to work on getting over and i try so hard but it seems that it doesnt work...
and i always fall for these guys then they hit me or threaten me and i fall in love... like what the fuck is wrong with me.. it's the way i was programmed since i was little thats what i thought love was. when you hit someone you showed them how much you loved them... and greg was perfect... he told me every day what a slut i was... and hit me just about everyday by the end of our relationship.. he knew i wanted him to love me sooo much he said it once and when i asked him why he said that bcuz he didnt mean it he told me i wanted to hear that but that's not what he really said.. and after he'd beat the shit out of me i'd be bruised and bloody he'd try to kiss and make up and tell me that it was my fault he did that to me... if i just didn't make him mad he wouldn't have hit me it was my fault... it was always my fault... but i loved him... i'm so stupid for thinking that i did.. because i didn't.. not really.. then i met marvin.. and it was so much different.. we talked for a long time and got real playful with each other then one day he grabbed me when i was walking by and just kissed me it blew me away.. i didnt know how to react.. i got so embarrassed my face turned so red..... he ran away like a little boy....... and it started the best 2 years of my life..... until, it ended so abruptly.... that i didn't know what happened and i needed closier.... i still do in a way but, i don't in a way either it was meant to be like that.. a clean break... we were good for each other then and we were meant to be together then... promises arent always meant to be kept and it wasnt meant to be between us.. and i'm ok with that now.. if you would've asked me a year ago i would still be feeling hurt by this... i hope he's happy.. i really truely do.. i hope that he's found someone who's made him happy... someone who will always make him happy and will love him and never hurt him.

Everyone is looking for love... that one person that will make them feel special, that will be there for them through anything and everything they face in their life and will love them unconditionally with all their heart forever.. sometimes people find that and sometimes they think they do... i'm looking for that kind of love i wish i could find it...... i have serious doubts that i ever will.... i hope to someday maybe even tomorrow i'll meet that person who is perfect for me. Maybe i've already met him and just havent realized it yet, maybe i have realized it he just hasn't who knows whats really in store for me at this point in time? i sure don't and i don't know what way i'm going to choose when i get to that fork in the road... maybe i'll take the road less traveled and just go for it..... put my all into something that i have no idea what's going to happen and go for it....... if i knew what was really going on with my "friend" and his thoughts and feelings and everything else then...... i could choose my road.......

Sometimes I wish i could pack all my belongings rent a car and just leave........ go someplace....... start my life over..... there's someone i would like to take with me when i go....... it doesnt mean that i wouldnt keep in touch with my family because i would..... i love my family....... and i would come back to see them...... to spend time with them or whatever.......
but there is someone that i want to go get and we can just go to where ever the road takes us.............. and just get out of here....... oh i dont know but i need to go and make something to eat....... it is around that time......... i will be back............ so wait for another installment

I Gotta Get Outta Here!!!!!

I don't know what to do I just want to run away........ Far far far away... leave all this behind and say fuck it. But for what? Really? Because I'm sick of being told what to do and when to do it every single day? Yeah that's a big part of it, but there's also a little more on my mind as well..... HIM..... I want to be so close to him, yet a part of me says no don't do it. Then I think how will I ever know if I don't take a chance in life? If I don't then I'll always have those thoughts, would it have worked? could it have worked out? was it just a lust type deal? was it just a friends with benefits deal??? I'll never know unless I try right? Besides life is about the choices we make and the roads we travel. When you're at a fork in the road which way do you go, the more comfortable one for you? Or do you take that chance? Do you put everything on the line? Do you put everything out there? Can you put your all into it again? And risk being hurt? Can you say fuck it and just try? See where life takes you? You can make it, you've done it before in life. You've been in shelters, incarcerated, with no where to live. You've lived in your car in the middle of January with a 1/8th tank of gas and no where to go. When it was below freezing and the only thing you had was the clothes on your back. You're still alive. When Greg left you in the Bronx with no place to live you made it. It may have taken you some time but you made it. I think of those nights, the thoughts I was 24 years old, and in the city walking with my little bag with everything I had at the time all I owned, I could have been raped and beaten and killed and no one would've known. I just would've been gone. Greg didn't care. He really fucked up my life. But that was the choice I made. I let him in it. He's dead to me now. I don't know where he is and I don't care really. As long as he's happy with his life and he's doing well now. I hope rehab helped him! He did need it that is for sure. I really need to get ready to go. I'm supposed to be going shopping.. I just had so much on my mind this morning.. I just want to be happy again. Like I was with Marvin. He just loved me for no reason at all I didn't see it that's for sure. But, he did. I want that kind of happiness back. I want to feel that again. Those thoughts where I can trust someone so completely with everything in my being and love them so unconditionally, and know they felt that same feeling for you. I've a long way since him though and I'm stronger because of him. So, it all comes down to how I feel now. With this new person in my life. My new "friend", even though he's not such a new friend. We have talked for some time. I just never realized who he was until now. Now I have to figure it all out. I just wonder how he truely feels. If he really wants oh I don't know. Maybe I'm just living a pipe dream... Hoping for something....... someone......... and it will never really happen.. Sometimes I wonder was I really meant to be alone? Oh.. this is enough for now. I do have to go get my shopping done. I will write more later tonight I'm sure. I have too much on my mind to not write. So until the next installment....................

Hello Delilah

I wish someone would write a song like that for me... it's so sweet and sincere... i just dont know if i will ever have anyone in my life who would love me like that.. it's possible, i suppose, i guess it's just the holliday's that get me depressed about things. but i'm gonna let it go one day at a time and see where this crazy world takes me. and that's about it for now i just have some stuff on my mind.. and can't really express myself at the moment i dont really know how to get it out is all i guess. well good bye for now... i'll be back soon to continue my story... perhaps i'll get into more detail on my background and why i am the person i am today... until next time i wish u all the best of days and happiness in everything you do

Hello Darkness My Old Friend... I've Come To Talk To You Again

I've been thinking a lot about things these last few days as you know...It sometimes makes me wonder where I'd be if i was still out there in the "darkness".... would i still be on this earth? would anyone really ever miss me? where would i be? would i be in jail? in a homeless shelter? definitely not where i am today. Would i be in my nephew's life? would my family care? would my "friends"? would i be into the same thing i was or worse? My mom got a letter from Tony a couple weeks ago he's in state prison for drugs.... he did so good when he was staying up here then he went back with his mom I've got to write him a letter i think my mom said he got 3-5 years but he's trying to get boot camp.. maybe he'll change his ways he's got to get outta the city to be able to do anything with his life though... i miss him every once in a while, he did live with us for a long time... just like Vince staying with us.... he was just like one of my brothers too... i cant believe its been a year and a half since he passed away... i remember when i took him to the Bronx with me... omg chamie was decent to him... he usually didn't like to deal with the guys i dealt with... but when i told him he was like my brother then it was OK. lol... the hotel that we stayed in for 4hrs with the hooker walking up and down the strip in front of it .ewwwwww that was sooo nasty.. lol... then when him and rude decided to go hunting and wrecked the car well my dad's car when i was the only one supposed to be driving it... and they figured I'd get into trouble about it...

then there's these dreams I've been having lately.. and they seem so real yet when i wake up alone...... it seems so frustrating... i hate it!! i wish he was here with me... it would be so nice..... he says he has feelings for me.. do i believe him? should i believe him? should i trust him? should i just go with it? what the hell do i do? it's so frustrating.. and i hate it... i just want to go back into that "darkness" and forget..... try to forget... but i don't want to really.... he says if he had a car he'd be up here to see me all the time.. but i can't go see him right now just because of what I'm dealing with since my gram died and I've been staying here with my grandfather taking care of him.. which is not an easy thing to do... but I'm trying my best to deal with it that's for sure... it was a big change from the last year of my life... well, i just don't know right now...

i have a paper due on Tuesday night for school, i think i should do fine with that. the more i get into what I'm learning the more i like it.. i just wish i had a little more time to do other things.. I've decided to start watching comedies to take my minds off of things just because I've been so stressed out about everything else that's going on that watching something funny just seems to help everything else seem OK for the moment... it helps to take my mind off things. OK well everyone I'm about to be out for the night.. i have a lot of things to do tonight and i hope to be able to sleep tonight... good night until next time

Being confused really sux!

You know being confused really sux!! I hate being confused... still being confused over the same guy..........god if i could go and just chill with him for a while we could see whats really up or if its gonna just work out as friends... i hate having feelings for someone and i dont know what to do... maybe i should just i dont know........ i'm confused i feel stupid feeling confused about this kind of stuff i'm never confused about shit like this i usually have my head on straight... the only other time i was even a little confused about what to do had to do was with Marvin and that was when i was moving away and he was nervous that i was gonna find someone else and i waited the 7 months for him then another year and a half........ all i keep thinkin is that song by Jaheim..... Lookin for love in all the wrong places......... that's me that's for sure....... so i stopped lookin.... now i'm ready to actually have a relationship... yeah i can say for sure i'm ready.. i have my own issues to deal with but, i'm dealing with them and i think that it's time to have a realtionship or date someone at least idk....... or start something i think maybe...oh i'm going to make something to eat now.......... i'll be back to write more eventually though.....

What should I really do about how I feel?

So let's see.... where should i begin? i guess the begining would be a good place to start... there's this guy i'm really feelin him.... well i was. well i dont know how i feel anymore right now.. everything was ok we were talkin or whatever, then he started actin real funny stopped callin, now he's fuckin with some other girl, but has feelings for me........ wow.... i just dont know... i dont think he planned on really telling me about the girl i think it kind of slipped out... which it did hurt my feelings a bit, i guess i wear my heart on my sleeve and i shouldn't i know better than that. i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve with Marvin... but then again he was my bitch... i felt like the man in the relationship and i didnt really like that much either i like a man who's gonna speak up and tell me off once in a while fuckin at least stand up to me when i get in my moods... then Jeremiah came back into my life after like 5 years of not speaking at all, it was weird, like i was floored when i realized who it was.. like wow... it got me confused for a little bit like why r u coming back now? every time things go wrong with a guy it makes me miss Marvin so much and I sometimes wish I knew where he was and that he was ok. I worry about him too much he's a big boy and knows what he's doing I just pray that he's really ok.
I've been so lonely the last year its pathetic... I just can't seem to find anyone that matches up to what I had with Marvin, I really did love him and still do in a way it's not the same anymore, and it changes everyday goes away a little more and a little more, it's been a year and a half since we talked at all. Everything changed between us that day in may........ we both made a stupid decision we were so in love and wanted to be together and just couldnt wait...... I for one was definately not thinking clearly... but I also knew what he was going through as well. Maybe it's just as well and we're just bad for each other. And I think that I'm ok with that now it took me a long time to get to that point, but at least i'm there now. but this guy......... he just wont get out of my head and i dont know what to do about it anymore... i know it wont work out right now between us but that doesnt mean that it would never work... i guess if we wanted it to but i dont know how he feels and i dont know...........i wish i could just clear my head of all thoughts and just forget anything that i may have started as far as my feelings go....... ya know... i did get advice from my friend and he told me to move on......... not to even fuck with the dude anymore..... that i'm just gonna get hurt...... well he said alot more than that but thats between us but i needed a mans pov on the situation so i told him everything, cuz i knew i could tell him anything and he would give me his honest opinion, just because we been down together for a long time since 01..... and i love him i can honestly say i got love for him as a friend and i have loved him since that night i told him to fall back and break his neck.....and from that point he had to know who i was........god we made nights go by in that fuckin place....... we had each other... if we didn't i dont know what i would've done thats for sure. And I love him for that time we shared together...
But there's something about this other guy....... he seems so much different....... i can talk to him about my crazy ass........ and i am nutz in a way..... my own way....... i'm just me, i like him ALOT, and i dont know what to do about that....... i dont know.. i just really don't know and it scares me to not know about what to do bcuz i always know the next step i'm going to take when i'm doing something... but with him he's got me so confused about how i feel about everything i dont know what i'm doing anymore..... maybe someday..... i dont know maybe we should hang out and see where it goes....... or if it doesn't.... right.......... well that's all i have to say right now....... my brain just can't comprehend anything at the moment i feel very depressed well not depressed, so much as confused and sad, and angry, and just lots of feelings all rolled up into one......... so i'm done writing for right now...... i think i'm going to lay down and take a nap........ g'nite for now............until next time