This past year.......

This is my family. Adrian, Gabriella and (me) Miranda.

September 1, 2011

I haven't blogged in nearly a year, I haven't blogged since that day I lost my baby. My first child. My only child. My Gabriella. It's hard to think of that day last year in September. Its hard to think of her tiny little body, even though she moved her hands and smiled somewhat at times its hard to think about. Days are harder than others. It's difficult on days to look at her picture, to talk about her with her father. We hardly ever talk about her with each other. Hardly ever speak her name to each other. We always say "the baby". I speak her name to other people. She lived. She lived for 18 weeks inside of me, and for 2 short hours after she was born. She lived. It's hard to think her anniversary is coming up upon us so quickly. It's hard to think how fast one year has gone by. That the anniversary of her birth and death will be upon us in a few short weeks. I dread for that day to come. I know I will be a mess. I am having people over and will I'm sure be heavily medicated to make it through the day, as I was the day of her funeral. For I did not cry or show emotion that entire day. I was like a zombie a lot of it is extremely hazy to me. I remember people hugging me telling me how sorry they were for my loss. I hardly spoke a word. Maybe uttered a thank you here or there. Thank you for coming. The thing I remember is my 5 yr old nephew laying a flower pot next to her tiny casket. When they said the final prayer and said it was time to leave the cemetary I remember I cried out. Not a cry of tears even though I was sobbing it was more of a very loud cry of hurt, that was my baby and I had to leave her behind. As I write this now my eyes are filling up with tears. I miss her every day. I think of her every day. What would she look like? What things would she be doing now at almost 8 months old if she had made it to her due date. Would she be saying dada or mama? Would she be daddy's little girl? My heart will never be whole again. There will always be a piece missing, the piece she took with her the day she left us. If and when I am blessed with children again, I will tell them about their big sister. I will love them with my whole heart. It won't be the same love I have for Gabriella. For that is a different kind of love. We do not have much as in terms of anything. We have an apartment we rent, very little furniture, a car we are still paying for. I cannot work due to a disability, which I am currently waiting to get my disability so we can have a little more income coming in. We live basically paycheck to paycheck. My family paid for Gabriella's services. They paid for them to open my grandmothers grave site. For we do not have a family plot of our own yet. So she is buried 3 hours away from me with my grandmother. At least I know she is safe. I dream of her often. Sometimes my dreams are so real I think she's really here. Right after she passed for weeks I had recurring dreams I would be in the hospital holding her as she died, which she did pass away in my arms. Then they would let me bring her home, she would get smaller and smaller and smaller in my hand until I would think I dropped her in the bed. There were many times I would litterally jump out of my bed in mid sleep searching for her in the bed, hoping not to crush her, running into every room looking for her not being able to find her and for a parent not being able to find their child in their home is the most horrific feeling ever. It would be I would finally come to my senses and remember she was GONE. She would be gone forever. Her picture sits by our bed in a frame she is wearing a little pink gown with a little white bonnet holding a little tiny lamb. For months I carried that lamb wherever I went there wouldn't be a day I did not have it. I slept with it, I carried it in my purse. On her picture frame there is pasted a yellow rose the chaplin at the hospital gave to me after her baptism ceremony. Also a tiny sea shell he used to baptise her with. The saddest thing for me is not having her headstone. I know it will make it really final. That once I see that stone with her name engraved on it that will be it. It will really be over, no more hope that one day I will wake up and there she'll be. We unfortunately cannot afford to get her one at the moment. It breaks my heart. Who could think someones heart could break any more than it already is. A lot of things don't matter to me anymore. Things that did in the past I don't think about. I don't talk to people anymore. I used to talk to my mother every day. I call her every once in a while now. I shut down from everyone. In December 2011 I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for about a week. I was hearing voices telling me "it's your fault she's dead" I started to believe them. I even contemplated suicide and knew exactly how I would do it. My boyfriend was very scared I was going to kill myself. He actually made me check in to the hospital along with my therapist. I would've killed myself. I can honestly say that now. It was right there. They give me a very strong sedative for sleep that sometimes doesn't work. I knew if I took enough of it along with all of my anxiety medication there would be no stopping me that time. I have tried to commit suicide in the past actually on 4 different occasions, I did not succeed as you can see. I almost did in November 2010. I overdosed on morphine. I was in a coma for almost 24 hours before they brought me to. I didn't know my name. I didn't know my family. I didn't know my birthday. I was scared because I didn't know anything. If it weren't for my boyfriend realising something wasn't right with me, and staying awake while I "slept" I would be dead today. He called 911 after he woke me up 3 times and the last time I wouldn't wake and my breathing was extremely shallow. If not for him I'd be dead, and Gabriella would've never been conceived or born I would've never had the joy of being able to see her. To know her for that short time. That is all I can say for now. I'm sorry I'm getting too emotional and I just can't do it today. I will try to write more soon.

What to do...

I'm trying not to stress out right now... especially for the baby. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm in love with him, but he continues to do the same crap over and over. Talking to other females, telling them how much he wants to do things to them, but doesn't even know them. Meanwhile, I sit here pretending everything is ok, that I'm just fine, thinking how this is going to affect our baby. I don't want to bring a child into this world and have them think its fine to treat a woman like this. That as long as you're not sleeping around on someone you're not technically cheating. If you are having thoughts of other women, going on dating sites, giving out your number, calling, texting and imming them, while you have someone at home, cleaning and cooking for you and who is now about to have your child, you're doing her dirty. You said you were different than other guys, I just don't see it anymore. Everyone tells me to leave you take you for child support. If I do that I'm afraid you won't be any part of our baby's life, like your dad wasn't there for you, it makes me sad to think about. I wish you could be more vocal with me about how you're feeling. You say you're trying, but really you're not. I'm about to stop trying myself. I'm ready to give up on everything. You make me sad. You really do most of the time anymore. You tell people I'm your friend. Or I'm your roommate. That you're single. I had one of your so called "friends" say to me if I wanted him I could've had him already, haha.. maybe you should ask him why he tells everyone he's single and that you're his roommate. That shit really bothered me. Seriously bothered me. To the point I felt like when the baby comes just leaving because what will we be? Your roommates? I feel as though you're ashamed. Ashamed of me, ashamed of the baby. That you wish I wasn't having a baby. Every time I think about that I cry. I just can't help it. You make me so self conscience, especially how you talk to other females. I feel like nothing. At least the baby will love me. No matter what, I will always have someone who will love me. There are times I'd like you to read this, others where I just want this to stay private. I don't even know if you remember I have this anymore.
The reason I am so angry at the fact of you looking at those disgusting things on the computer is when the baby gets older, you decide you're going to look at that stuff and they are playing some game or something online, they decide to start typing away not knowing and come across that shit? OMG!!! I would have to kill you! You don't think its strange that a "woman" is posting pictures of two men sucking each other off? That she has such an obsession with penis? But yet on other sites "she" has says "she" only wants to talk to women? She's not a woman. I don't care what you think. That is either a Transgender man, a hermaphrodite, or a bi-sexual man. I don't understand how you don't get it. Which makes me wonder about you looking at that stuff. Do you have those kind of feelings? You say you're just browsing? But what are you really doing? Because if you do like that, be you! Be happy. Don't keep hiding, if not why are you looking at that stuff????????
I don't understand.....

I have got to go before I have a break down again over this crap.....more again later :/

More to come SOON

a lot has been going on lately.. sorry i havent posted in over a year, i actually have been extremely busy with things, and haven't had time.. I will be getting on more frequently and posting what has been going on with me in the last year, and how i have felt.

Just need to clear my heart........ and head

Well, here it is 3 months into a relationship with someone that I once again let myself care about.... well i didn't let myself care about him again, i mean i let myself care in general! Anyway.... I have had the feeling the last couple weeks he just doesnt want me around... i mean i kind of have a sixth sense about things at times and sometimes i can almost read minds i know its weird and kind of eerie but its the truth... i just feel like he resents the fact that i'm here.... and then something happened and i know i shouldnt have done it but i was online and happend to come across an email he sent to someone telling her about himself and he just happened to tell her that he was in a relationship but that he is still looking........ wow.... well gee thanks for looking when you say you love me.... i.....appreciate it? i'm glad that i met you..... yeah i really am....... i'm glad i told my family how good you are to me.... and how nice you are and i'm glad that you met them and that my father likes you......... my father likes you..... and he doesnt like anyone i bring home............. but hey.... i was the one who was stupid..... i was the one who put up with the lies when i first got here.... i was the one who had to hide and not walk with you for the sake of being seen by her......... i was the one who had to be quiet and wasnt aloud to answer the phone for the fear of her hearing my voice or knowing i was here........ i was stupid........ i was played by someone who was supposed to be different who swears up and down he's not like all the other guys in the world the one who let me pay for everything for months....... while he spent his money on her..... the one who wont even hardly touch me anymore, who tells me that he doesnt ever want to have sex with me anymore but in the same breath says get on top.......... the one who actually got me to open my heart after two years of trying to protect it.... the one i've known for years and years and finally said lets give it a shot....... so when something better comes along he can say he's leaving? and just go or tell me to move out? but then again i was stupid.. i'm the one who packed up what little belongings i had left after two moves, and all the money i had saved over months and dropped it all on an apartment..... with you.... the one who i started to fall for months before moving in but i didnt want to show it... the one i thought was genuine and who truely cared for me.... but in all actuality i know you don't.... i'll be ok... one day i will i'll bounce back again just like i have from every other heart ache i've had.... i mean shoot i was with marvin for two years and he just up and walked out of my life without even so much as a goodbye... i got over that yeah so it took me about a year and a half before i could even go anywhere with a man and two and a half years before i could even date again.... which brought me to you and all i could think was he has an education, he's never been in jail, he's not a drug dealer, he's not a fuckin thug, he has a job, he's a nice guy, and he deserves to have someone who truely cares for him in his life, and all i hoped was that you would pick me and when you did i felt so grateful, like ya know he doesnt hit me, he's not addicted to drugs, he doesnt sell them, he has a job, he's never been in jail, he doesnt talk down to me or make me feel like i'm a slut, cuz greg called me a slut every day for two years, and hit me when we'd fight..... and i really believed that after a while... and you just seemed too good to be true, i guess i was right... so i won't stop you from finding happiness any longer, i will pack up and leave, not really sure where i will go, but i will get along just fine... i have in the past and i think i can manage in the future, the only thing i want is for you to be happy and if you're not happy with me then i've got to go..... so i hope you find the woman of your dreams and i truely hope that she makes you the happiest man in the world and i hope that you will always be happy and that god blesses you with everything you desire! but i won't be able to talk to you after i leave, i hope you understand it would just be too hard for me and i can't do that again... sometimes you make me wish greg was still in my life, just for the simple fact that he was honest with me, he told me when he'd go out and fuck other girls, and he'd tell me how much he couldnt stand me and that he didnt love me and that no man ever wifey's a fat chick they just fuck them... i guess he was right on that... cuz that's all i seem to be any good for... but don't worry cuz i know you don't like to have sex with me and i wont ask you for it anymore.. i really don't need it any way i went without for 3 years i can go longer it's fine. i'm just sorry that you feel like you just can't be honest with me and tell me that you don't want to be with me that you are still looking for someone to be in a relationship with i wouldnt freak out on you i'd just leave... but everytime i say i'm going to leave you tell me not to go........ i don't really understand why you tell me not to go... you really don't want me... i just wish you would tell me that you don't want to be in a relationship with me or that if u find someone who is better than me you will leave... for her or see her on the side or whatever.... i'm sorry you feel you can't be honest with me about anything... i think my time with you is over now.... i don't trust you at all anymore.. and you don't love me or want to be with me.... but i will never forget just how you made me feel special even though i really wasn't and i'll cherish the time we spent together even though you never will.... so this is my good bye to you i love you very very much but you don't feel the same for me and it's not fair to me and my heart can't take being broken again by someone that i am falling in love with....... or was falling in love with..... so i will say goodbye with dignity and grace and leave on a good note with you, just don't be upset if i do not call, or email, or write back.... i can't, besides i don't really expect you to try to keep in touch..... it was nice while it lasted i liked playing wifey and thinking about a future with you in and thinking how happy i would be....... yeah....... i was obviously dreaming..... since i know how you truely feel i will no longer make you feel that you HAVE to do something for me or that you HAVE to do bf stuff for me..... i know we aren't together, you just like to play with my head like we are... so goodbye and good luck....... i wish you all the happiness and joy in the world!!! take care.

Another day in my life

So it's thursday march 13, 2008.... I'm in Reading, PA now. Alot has happened in the last few months, and I haven't posted anything since it has. Sorry about that. So anyway here I go. Well Marvin came back into my life for a minute.. that was interesting to say the least. he stole over $300 from me and took off.... junkie! then i got into a fight with my grandfather, which i'm not proud to say happened, but it did, and i moved out. then, i ended up moving here with a friend, well i'm not sure what he is now, he was a friend, and every day it's something different, sometimes he's my friend, sometimes he's my room mate, and sometimes he's my bf it all depends on who he's talking to. which really bothers me. pick one and that's what i am.. period! make up your damn mind already!!! so i'm really not sure what i want in life anymore. what to do what to do........ i don't know....... i'm not sure....... i'm real confused by everything. if he would only talk to me about how he feels, or tell me what he wants i'd be ok, instead he says i dont know what to say or i dont know. it's weird. i'm just so disgusted with things at the moment. at least i have my meds and i'm not nutty or we'd all be in trouble. lmao. well i'm going to get going for now. and get some things done around the house. i will write again soon! until next time.............

Why after all this time?

Why after all this time do u have to come back into my life and make me so confused? What do you really want from me? I don't understand why you feel u had to find me? Do you still love me, still have feelings for me? what? everything was good.... i mean i found someone i connect with on so many different levels in my life, someone who understands me that i feel comfortable with telling things i dont tell people about me, well most of it, eventually when i trust him more i will reveal everything and see if he wants to deal with me any more... that scares me... the whole thing scares me... like i could see myself falling for him eventually... and that really SCARES me. the closer and closer i become to this person on a personal level i feel i can trust him... i mean i know in some way he does care about me or what happened that day wouldnt have happened. and i know he's not bad for me.... as far as the other things in my life..... and i want to get to know him more on every level..... not just a lust thing, not just a sex thing..... but more..... and it scares me..... i'm not sure if i'm ready to give my heart, or open up my heart again to get hurt..... there is always that possibility..... but maybe if i dont take that chance i'll regret not doing that later in life... like maybe it would be something good eventually maybe it could work if we both wanted it... just take it slow and see where it goes... he's already got me in certain ways.... like i cant wait to talk to him when he's not busy.... and he always makes me smile.... and i'm ok with where we are right now in this friendship thing we got.... i think i'm gonna take that chance... yeah... ok i gotta go for now kinda tired...... but until next time.....

It's been a while

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think About you, I know
Only when you stop to think About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?
That's how i feel today........ all those feelings keep coming back stronger and stronger each time i try and try to fight them but i can't..... i feel it coming on all those old bad habits and its a fresh new year, why now after all this time doing so good is it all falling apart.... why now am i telling myself that i dont deserve what i have... am i under too much stress? do i think i should be doing more with my life? i know i've felt depressed the last couple days, not being in a relationship with someone mostly. i'm going to be 30 and i'm not married no family and that depresses me. and i want all that. there is someone that i really like but it will never work... it just wont. that's how i feel about my addiction....... i'm addicted to everything, just everything i spend money compulsively, i have an eating disorder, i'm cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, pills, u name it i love it.... caffine, cigarettes, if i'm in a relationship, sex, even if i'm not but i'm chillin with a guy but he would be regular... i'm a mess... and no one can fix me.. not even me... and i hate it.. ew i hate myself... its gross... have had a lot of thoughts of Greg and Marvin alot more lately... I know Greg is in Ny, I know that for a fact... Marvin I don't know where he is, I don't know if I want to know either... and then there is this other guy we'll call him "Homer" well I like Homer, probably more than i should... it won't work between us and i know this in my heart and soul, and i'm setting myself up for rejection, i think i'm addicted to being rejected. can that be an addiction? i'm not real sure about that...hmmmm never really thought of it like that.. Well it's getting late and I havent talked to Homer today at all... which doesnt surprise me, he does this to me alot of the time... which is y i'm really keeping my guard up with him.. i'm not letting it down not one bit.. no fuckin way... i'm trying to make myself not like him... more and more every day... just trying and trying and trying.. but can it really work? time will tell my friend. i'm off it's late and i'm tired and my head hurts from thinking about things.... i want a big rock to smoke and i'd be alright for about 15 seconds............. ok.........gotta stop talkin bout that shit....... gotta go to bed........ gotta.... night