Just need to clear my heart........ and head

Well, here it is 3 months into a relationship with someone that I once again let myself care about.... well i didn't let myself care about him again, i mean i let myself care in general! Anyway.... I have had the feeling the last couple weeks he just doesnt want me around... i mean i kind of have a sixth sense about things at times and sometimes i can almost read minds i know its weird and kind of eerie but its the truth... i just feel like he resents the fact that i'm here.... and then something happened and i know i shouldnt have done it but i was online and happend to come across an email he sent to someone telling her about himself and he just happened to tell her that he was in a relationship but that he is still looking........ wow.... well gee thanks for looking when you say you love me.... i.....appreciate it? i'm glad that i met you..... yeah i really am....... i'm glad i told my family how good you are to me.... and how nice you are and i'm glad that you met them and that my father likes you......... my father likes you..... and he doesnt like anyone i bring home............. but hey.... i was the one who was stupid..... i was the one who put up with the lies when i first got here.... i was the one who had to hide and not walk with you for the sake of being seen by her......... i was the one who had to be quiet and wasnt aloud to answer the phone for the fear of her hearing my voice or knowing i was here........ i was stupid........ i was played by someone who was supposed to be different who swears up and down he's not like all the other guys in the world the one who let me pay for everything for months....... while he spent his money on her..... the one who wont even hardly touch me anymore, who tells me that he doesnt ever want to have sex with me anymore but in the same breath says get on top.......... the one who actually got me to open my heart after two years of trying to protect it.... the one i've known for years and years and finally said lets give it a shot....... so when something better comes along he can say he's leaving? and just go or tell me to move out? but then again i was stupid.. i'm the one who packed up what little belongings i had left after two moves, and all the money i had saved over months and dropped it all on an apartment..... with you.... the one who i started to fall for months before moving in but i didnt want to show it... the one i thought was genuine and who truely cared for me.... but in all actuality i know you don't.... i'll be ok... one day i will i'll bounce back again just like i have from every other heart ache i've had.... i mean shoot i was with marvin for two years and he just up and walked out of my life without even so much as a goodbye... i got over that yeah so it took me about a year and a half before i could even go anywhere with a man and two and a half years before i could even date again.... which brought me to you and all i could think was he has an education, he's never been in jail, he's not a drug dealer, he's not a fuckin thug, he has a job, he's a nice guy, and he deserves to have someone who truely cares for him in his life, and all i hoped was that you would pick me and when you did i felt so grateful, like ya know he doesnt hit me, he's not addicted to drugs, he doesnt sell them, he has a job, he's never been in jail, he doesnt talk down to me or make me feel like i'm a slut, cuz greg called me a slut every day for two years, and hit me when we'd fight..... and i really believed that after a while... and you just seemed too good to be true, i guess i was right... so i won't stop you from finding happiness any longer, i will pack up and leave, not really sure where i will go, but i will get along just fine... i have in the past and i think i can manage in the future, the only thing i want is for you to be happy and if you're not happy with me then i've got to go..... so i hope you find the woman of your dreams and i truely hope that she makes you the happiest man in the world and i hope that you will always be happy and that god blesses you with everything you desire! but i won't be able to talk to you after i leave, i hope you understand it would just be too hard for me and i can't do that again... sometimes you make me wish greg was still in my life, just for the simple fact that he was honest with me, he told me when he'd go out and fuck other girls, and he'd tell me how much he couldnt stand me and that he didnt love me and that no man ever wifey's a fat chick they just fuck them... i guess he was right on that... cuz that's all i seem to be any good for... but don't worry cuz i know you don't like to have sex with me and i wont ask you for it anymore.. i really don't need it any way i went without for 3 years i can go longer it's fine. i'm just sorry that you feel like you just can't be honest with me and tell me that you don't want to be with me that you are still looking for someone to be in a relationship with i wouldnt freak out on you i'd just leave... but everytime i say i'm going to leave you tell me not to go........ i don't really understand why you tell me not to go... you really don't want me... i just wish you would tell me that you don't want to be in a relationship with me or that if u find someone who is better than me you will leave... for her or see her on the side or whatever.... i'm sorry you feel you can't be honest with me about anything... i think my time with you is over now.... i don't trust you at all anymore.. and you don't love me or want to be with me.... but i will never forget just how you made me feel special even though i really wasn't and i'll cherish the time we spent together even though you never will.... so this is my good bye to you i love you very very much but you don't feel the same for me and it's not fair to me and my heart can't take being broken again by someone that i am falling in love with....... or was falling in love with..... so i will say goodbye with dignity and grace and leave on a good note with you, just don't be upset if i do not call, or email, or write back.... i can't, besides i don't really expect you to try to keep in touch..... it was nice while it lasted i liked playing wifey and thinking about a future with you in and thinking how happy i would be....... yeah....... i was obviously dreaming..... since i know how you truely feel i will no longer make you feel that you HAVE to do something for me or that you HAVE to do bf stuff for me..... i know we aren't together, you just like to play with my head like we are... so goodbye and good luck....... i wish you all the happiness and joy in the world!!! take care.