Just need to clear my heart........ and head

Well, here it is 3 months into a relationship with someone that I once again let myself care about.... well i didn't let myself care about him again, i mean i let myself care in general! Anyway.... I have had the feeling the last couple weeks he just doesnt want me around... i mean i kind of have a sixth sense about things at times and sometimes i can almost read minds i know its weird and kind of eerie but its the truth... i just feel like he resents the fact that i'm here.... and then something happened and i know i shouldnt have done it but i was online and happend to come across an email he sent to someone telling her about himself and he just happened to tell her that he was in a relationship but that he is still looking........ wow.... well gee thanks for looking when you say you love me.... i.....appreciate it? i'm glad that i met you..... yeah i really am....... i'm glad i told my family how good you are to me.... and how nice you are and i'm glad that you met them and that my father likes you......... my father likes you..... and he doesnt like anyone i bring home............. but hey.... i was the one who was stupid..... i was the one who put up with the lies when i first got here.... i was the one who had to hide and not walk with you for the sake of being seen by her......... i was the one who had to be quiet and wasnt aloud to answer the phone for the fear of her hearing my voice or knowing i was here........ i was stupid........ i was played by someone who was supposed to be different who swears up and down he's not like all the other guys in the world the one who let me pay for everything for months....... while he spent his money on her..... the one who wont even hardly touch me anymore, who tells me that he doesnt ever want to have sex with me anymore but in the same breath says get on top.......... the one who actually got me to open my heart after two years of trying to protect it.... the one i've known for years and years and finally said lets give it a shot....... so when something better comes along he can say he's leaving? and just go or tell me to move out? but then again i was stupid.. i'm the one who packed up what little belongings i had left after two moves, and all the money i had saved over months and dropped it all on an apartment..... with you.... the one who i started to fall for months before moving in but i didnt want to show it... the one i thought was genuine and who truely cared for me.... but in all actuality i know you don't.... i'll be ok... one day i will i'll bounce back again just like i have from every other heart ache i've had.... i mean shoot i was with marvin for two years and he just up and walked out of my life without even so much as a goodbye... i got over that yeah so it took me about a year and a half before i could even go anywhere with a man and two and a half years before i could even date again.... which brought me to you and all i could think was he has an education, he's never been in jail, he's not a drug dealer, he's not a fuckin thug, he has a job, he's a nice guy, and he deserves to have someone who truely cares for him in his life, and all i hoped was that you would pick me and when you did i felt so grateful, like ya know he doesnt hit me, he's not addicted to drugs, he doesnt sell them, he has a job, he's never been in jail, he doesnt talk down to me or make me feel like i'm a slut, cuz greg called me a slut every day for two years, and hit me when we'd fight..... and i really believed that after a while... and you just seemed too good to be true, i guess i was right... so i won't stop you from finding happiness any longer, i will pack up and leave, not really sure where i will go, but i will get along just fine... i have in the past and i think i can manage in the future, the only thing i want is for you to be happy and if you're not happy with me then i've got to go..... so i hope you find the woman of your dreams and i truely hope that she makes you the happiest man in the world and i hope that you will always be happy and that god blesses you with everything you desire! but i won't be able to talk to you after i leave, i hope you understand it would just be too hard for me and i can't do that again... sometimes you make me wish greg was still in my life, just for the simple fact that he was honest with me, he told me when he'd go out and fuck other girls, and he'd tell me how much he couldnt stand me and that he didnt love me and that no man ever wifey's a fat chick they just fuck them... i guess he was right on that... cuz that's all i seem to be any good for... but don't worry cuz i know you don't like to have sex with me and i wont ask you for it anymore.. i really don't need it any way i went without for 3 years i can go longer it's fine. i'm just sorry that you feel like you just can't be honest with me and tell me that you don't want to be with me that you are still looking for someone to be in a relationship with i wouldnt freak out on you i'd just leave... but everytime i say i'm going to leave you tell me not to go........ i don't really understand why you tell me not to go... you really don't want me... i just wish you would tell me that you don't want to be in a relationship with me or that if u find someone who is better than me you will leave... for her or see her on the side or whatever.... i'm sorry you feel you can't be honest with me about anything... i think my time with you is over now.... i don't trust you at all anymore.. and you don't love me or want to be with me.... but i will never forget just how you made me feel special even though i really wasn't and i'll cherish the time we spent together even though you never will.... so this is my good bye to you i love you very very much but you don't feel the same for me and it's not fair to me and my heart can't take being broken again by someone that i am falling in love with....... or was falling in love with..... so i will say goodbye with dignity and grace and leave on a good note with you, just don't be upset if i do not call, or email, or write back.... i can't, besides i don't really expect you to try to keep in touch..... it was nice while it lasted i liked playing wifey and thinking about a future with you in and thinking how happy i would be....... yeah....... i was obviously dreaming..... since i know how you truely feel i will no longer make you feel that you HAVE to do something for me or that you HAVE to do bf stuff for me..... i know we aren't together, you just like to play with my head like we are... so goodbye and good luck....... i wish you all the happiness and joy in the world!!! take care.

Another day in my life

So it's thursday march 13, 2008.... I'm in Reading, PA now. Alot has happened in the last few months, and I haven't posted anything since it has. Sorry about that. So anyway here I go. Well Marvin came back into my life for a minute.. that was interesting to say the least. he stole over $300 from me and took off.... junkie! then i got into a fight with my grandfather, which i'm not proud to say happened, but it did, and i moved out. then, i ended up moving here with a friend, well i'm not sure what he is now, he was a friend, and every day it's something different, sometimes he's my friend, sometimes he's my room mate, and sometimes he's my bf it all depends on who he's talking to. which really bothers me. pick one and that's what i am.. period! make up your damn mind already!!! so i'm really not sure what i want in life anymore. what to do what to do........ i don't know....... i'm not sure....... i'm real confused by everything. if he would only talk to me about how he feels, or tell me what he wants i'd be ok, instead he says i dont know what to say or i dont know. it's weird. i'm just so disgusted with things at the moment. at least i have my meds and i'm not nutty or we'd all be in trouble. lmao. well i'm going to get going for now. and get some things done around the house. i will write again soon! until next time.............

Why after all this time?

Why after all this time do u have to come back into my life and make me so confused? What do you really want from me? I don't understand why you feel u had to find me? Do you still love me, still have feelings for me? what? everything was good.... i mean i found someone i connect with on so many different levels in my life, someone who understands me that i feel comfortable with telling things i dont tell people about me, well most of it, eventually when i trust him more i will reveal everything and see if he wants to deal with me any more... that scares me... the whole thing scares me... like i could see myself falling for him eventually... and that really SCARES me. the closer and closer i become to this person on a personal level i feel i can trust him... i mean i know in some way he does care about me or what happened that day wouldnt have happened. and i know he's not bad for me.... as far as the other things in my life..... and i want to get to know him more on every level..... not just a lust thing, not just a sex thing..... but more..... and it scares me..... i'm not sure if i'm ready to give my heart, or open up my heart again to get hurt..... there is always that possibility..... but maybe if i dont take that chance i'll regret not doing that later in life... like maybe it would be something good eventually maybe it could work if we both wanted it... just take it slow and see where it goes... he's already got me in certain ways.... like i cant wait to talk to him when he's not busy.... and he always makes me smile.... and i'm ok with where we are right now in this friendship thing we got.... i think i'm gonna take that chance... yeah... ok i gotta go for now kinda tired...... but until next time.....

It's been a while

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think About you, I know
Only when you stop to think About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?
That's how i feel today........ all those feelings keep coming back stronger and stronger each time i try and try to fight them but i can't..... i feel it coming on all those old bad habits and its a fresh new year, why now after all this time doing so good is it all falling apart.... why now am i telling myself that i dont deserve what i have... am i under too much stress? do i think i should be doing more with my life? i know i've felt depressed the last couple days, not being in a relationship with someone mostly. i'm going to be 30 and i'm not married no family and that depresses me. and i want all that. there is someone that i really like but it will never work... it just wont. that's how i feel about my addiction....... i'm addicted to everything, just everything i spend money compulsively, i have an eating disorder, i'm cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, pills, u name it i love it.... caffine, cigarettes, if i'm in a relationship, sex, even if i'm not but i'm chillin with a guy but he would be regular... i'm a mess... and no one can fix me.. not even me... and i hate it.. ew i hate myself... its gross... have had a lot of thoughts of Greg and Marvin alot more lately... I know Greg is in Ny, I know that for a fact... Marvin I don't know where he is, I don't know if I want to know either... and then there is this other guy we'll call him "Homer" well I like Homer, probably more than i should... it won't work between us and i know this in my heart and soul, and i'm setting myself up for rejection, i think i'm addicted to being rejected. can that be an addiction? i'm not real sure about that...hmmmm never really thought of it like that.. Well it's getting late and I havent talked to Homer today at all... which doesnt surprise me, he does this to me alot of the time... which is y i'm really keeping my guard up with him.. i'm not letting it down not one bit.. no fuckin way... i'm trying to make myself not like him... more and more every day... just trying and trying and trying.. but can it really work? time will tell my friend. i'm off it's late and i'm tired and my head hurts from thinking about things.... i want a big rock to smoke and i'd be alright for about 15 seconds............. ok.........gotta stop talkin bout that shit....... gotta go to bed........ gotta.... night