So here am I again........ tryin to hold my head up..... chin up big girls don't cry........ don't show any emotions.... if you do it proves you're weak..... weak people don't make it in this world... no.... Did you expect more? really? no not really... you kind of wish it were true... but you know deep down inside what they really want... sometimes i think that's all i'm good for.... every time i say i'm giving up on men... i'm giving up on them.. then i meet someone i really start liking..... and i get disappointed and hurt all over again.. maybe i wear my heart on my sleeve... i'd just like to have love..... that's it... and it's not going to happen for me.... i've thought about it and come to terms with it some what... maybe i'm just not meant for love in my life like that.. could i live by myself the rest of my life? alone?
I did for a year and a half.... it was ok.. lonely..... but ok...
Sheer sadness has fallen over me this past week and I'm not sure where it's coming from... is it from the weather? or from someplace deep inside me where there is no light? that dark place in my life keeps trying to call me back..... slowly every day, knocking on the door.. i'm right here let me in... i'm the only true love you've ever had in your life.. remember how happy i made you when we were together....... when i was gone you'd do anything to get me back..... come on.... just one more time... we can be together again..... you'll be happy until i'm gone.. then that guilty feeling comes back like what did i just do.. omg.... what did i do.. one more time just one more time.... maybe this time death will come upon me, death can be my best friend again..... trying to get there faster then i'm supposed to but i'm trying..... help me to get there you want to... that's why you come into my life you don't want to see me succeed in anything i do.. why try to succeed, when you can have me and be happy for that split second...... and you don't need anyone or any thing else in your life... just one more..... one more....one more.......... one more....... just do another one come on you know you want to.....you've been with me for days now......one more time....... your heart is racing i can feel it...pounding so hard in your chest....you'll be mine soon..... soon we can be together forever........... just one more time.....that's right...put it to your mouth.... feel how good it makes you feel....... you're in ecstacy....... your heart is beating so fast.....so hard in your chest now......... you cant breath hold it in just a little longer......... hear those bells.........god it feels sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good.............. your head drops to your chest you start to convulse.......... your heart stopped beating..... there's no one around to help you this time just me and i'm calling you.......... don't go back just come to me....... i'll be your friend til the end just like chuckie......... you love me....... you have since the first night we met.... you fell in love with me and you'll always be in love with me.... no one can come between us now.............. it's me and you forever...... you're mine.. you came back after two years with out me and you're mine... now and forever........ til death do us part.......... you took the vow and i took your life.......
sometimes i feel like going into that place again....... but i stop myself... i dont go when things get bad and i think about it...... i smell it...... i dream about it... i taste it i still dont go back........ i can beat it i will beat it..... i can do it!
well i'm going to go for now...... until next time
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