I've been thinking a lot about things these last few days as you know...It sometimes makes me wonder where I'd be if i was still out there in the "darkness".... would i still be on this earth? would anyone really ever miss me? where would i be? would i be in jail? in a homeless shelter? definitely not where i am today. Would i be in my nephew's life? would my family care? would my "friends"? would i be into the same thing i was or worse? My mom got a letter from Tony a couple weeks ago he's in state prison for drugs.... he did so good when he was staying up here then he went back with his mom I've got to write him a letter i think my mom said he got 3-5 years but he's trying to get boot camp.. maybe he'll change his ways he's got to get outta the city to be able to do anything with his life though... i miss him every once in a while, he did live with us for a long time... just like Vince staying with us.... he was just like one of my brothers too... i cant believe its been a year and a half since he passed away... i remember when i took him to the Bronx with me... omg chamie was decent to him... he usually didn't like to deal with the guys i dealt with... but when i told him he was like my brother then it was OK. lol... the hotel that we stayed in for 4hrs with the hooker walking up and down the strip in front of it .ewwwwww that was sooo nasty.. lol... then when him and rude decided to go hunting and wrecked the car well my dad's car when i was the only one supposed to be driving it... and they figured I'd get into trouble about it...
then there's these dreams I've been having lately.. and they seem so real yet when i wake up alone...... it seems so frustrating... i hate it!! i wish he was here with me... it would be so nice..... he says he has feelings for me.. do i believe him? should i believe him? should i trust him? should i just go with it? what the hell do i do? it's so frustrating.. and i hate it... i just want to go back into that "darkness" and forget..... try to forget... but i don't want to really.... he says if he had a car he'd be up here to see me all the time.. but i can't go see him right now just because of what I'm dealing with since my gram died and I've been staying here with my grandfather taking care of him.. which is not an easy thing to do... but I'm trying my best to deal with it that's for sure... it was a big change from the last year of my life... well, i just don't know right now...
i have a paper due on Tuesday night for school, i think i should do fine with that. the more i get into what I'm learning the more i like it.. i just wish i had a little more time to do other things.. I've decided to start watching comedies to take my minds off of things just because I've been so stressed out about everything else that's going on that watching something funny just seems to help everything else seem OK for the moment... it helps to take my mind off things. OK well everyone I'm about to be out for the night.. i have a lot of things to do tonight and i hope to be able to sleep tonight... good night until next time
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