Maybe I'm the one Who's the SCHIZOPHRENIC PSYCHO

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE CONTINUED............

So as I was saying before i left i gotta get the fuck outta here......... i'm going nuts.. thats it.. i heard a song today by Puddle of Mudd. called Psycho..... that's where i got the title to this out put of my emotions cuz if i dont get them out i'm gonna flip. and i dont really want to i'll go into that bad place.................. ew......... mean..... nasty........... it didn't help that i woke up to ignorance this morning........ it probably also didn't help that i saw someone today that i wish i wouldn't ever see again.... but it may have happened for a reason... Sincere....... fuckin asshole of my life.... "I thought that was you girl. Where you been? I talked to ya girl one time she told me where u were. I havent heard from you. How are you? You know you're still mine." hahahahaha....... and thats exactly what i did... laughed in his face. you don't control me anymore asshole.. i'm not that little nieve girl you met back in the day.... i'm not that girl you can take advantage of anymore. go back to brooklyn and leave me the fuck alone!! that's what i wanted to say.. But I didn't I just laughed at him.... like are you for real? I said my life is good now... I don't have the bullshit to deal with... the drama that you and your cousin brought me and the ignorance i had to deal with when i was dealing with you. then i got the look, that same look he had in his eyes that day when he had the gun in his hand.... and i knew he was serious in a way.. and he really wanted me in his life again. i can't do it.. i cant get those calls when he knows i'm getting money i'm not playing wifey while he's fuckin whoever he wants...

I just need him out of my life.... I told him that it was nice to see him and i hope he's happy in all he does but my life is just to hectic to have him in it and that was that... yeah he followed me and tried to talk me out of it tried to tell me "he still loves me" he still thinks about me all the time... well i don't sorry.. it's just not there and hasnt been for the longest... so i kinda lied and told him i was with someone and we were very happy together.. he wanted to know who he was and where he was from.... yikes...... think think think...... oh ok..... got it.. i know just who i can say...... so i gave him some bs about this dude i was fuckin with ........... kevin..... lol well i'm not really fuckin with him...... i dont know what we're doing........ he's too much of a play boy for me.... he thinks he's big pimpin....... but not really.......... he can be my sugar daddy though i dont mind that one bit... actually....... he kind of is in a way i guess... since i've been back up here i've seen him once we went out i had fun... first time in a long time... he came to see me when i lived in lock haven, we talked for a bit. got to know each other then we chilled after my sister's benefit in march.... he's just too young and has no morals and doesnt care who he does as long as it has a pussy..... and thats just nasty.... i'm sorry but it is! and i'm not down with that shit.. he wanted to date me but if i'm dating someone or seeing someone i'd like to be the only one that they are seeing as well. maybe i'm different or maybe i'm just through with the player player shit... i out grew that shit when i met marvin... well after greg really and everything he did to me...

i've thought alot about cutting again.... it would be so easy and no one would know....... and i would feel so much better........ and i wouldn't have to answer to anyone...... i was so embarrassed when greg walked in on me when i was doing that....... i have so many scars and each one has a great significance to what i was going through at that point in my life. it's the way i deal with my hurt... when i was little my hurt dealt with food...... that's probably why i'm so fat today....... i never really knew what true unconditonal love was until marvin...... he didnt hit me..... choke me... punch me......... tell me what a slut i was..... that i was a whore... he just loved me... and i didnt understand how someone could love someone else and not want to hit them...... or tell them what a waste of space they were..... i heard that almost every day when i was growing up.. my father wasnt very nice to me at times... well mostly he wasnt nice to me at all.. i wasn't a boy.. he's told me he wished he didnt have kids until my brother... i am the oldest of 5..... he should put me in foster care... that i'm too fat.... i need to lose weight because no guys date fat girls they don't care about them at all... the biggest fear i ever had as a child was that he would wake up in the middle of the night and start hitting me for no reason....... when that finally happened to me i lost all faith in anything and everything........ there was nothing to save me anymore... i remember praying to God every night please don't let my daddy be mad at me tonight....... that night i was really sleeping.. he thought i was pretending to sleep, i've been hit with every and anything he could get his hands on that was close, he's hit me with a 2 by 4 piece of wood before.... i still have the broken blood vessel on my leg where it happened...... i have so many things i need to work on getting over and i try so hard but it seems that it doesnt work...
and i always fall for these guys then they hit me or threaten me and i fall in love... like what the fuck is wrong with me.. it's the way i was programmed since i was little thats what i thought love was. when you hit someone you showed them how much you loved them... and greg was perfect... he told me every day what a slut i was... and hit me just about everyday by the end of our relationship.. he knew i wanted him to love me sooo much he said it once and when i asked him why he said that bcuz he didnt mean it he told me i wanted to hear that but that's not what he really said.. and after he'd beat the shit out of me i'd be bruised and bloody he'd try to kiss and make up and tell me that it was my fault he did that to me... if i just didn't make him mad he wouldn't have hit me it was my fault... it was always my fault... but i loved him... i'm so stupid for thinking that i did.. because i didn't.. not really.. then i met marvin.. and it was so much different.. we talked for a long time and got real playful with each other then one day he grabbed me when i was walking by and just kissed me it blew me away.. i didnt know how to react.. i got so embarrassed my face turned so red..... he ran away like a little boy....... and it started the best 2 years of my life..... until, it ended so abruptly.... that i didn't know what happened and i needed closier.... i still do in a way but, i don't in a way either it was meant to be like that.. a clean break... we were good for each other then and we were meant to be together then... promises arent always meant to be kept and it wasnt meant to be between us.. and i'm ok with that now.. if you would've asked me a year ago i would still be feeling hurt by this... i hope he's happy.. i really truely do.. i hope that he's found someone who's made him happy... someone who will always make him happy and will love him and never hurt him.

Everyone is looking for love... that one person that will make them feel special, that will be there for them through anything and everything they face in their life and will love them unconditionally with all their heart forever.. sometimes people find that and sometimes they think they do... i'm looking for that kind of love i wish i could find it...... i have serious doubts that i ever will.... i hope to someday maybe even tomorrow i'll meet that person who is perfect for me. Maybe i've already met him and just havent realized it yet, maybe i have realized it he just hasn't who knows whats really in store for me at this point in time? i sure don't and i don't know what way i'm going to choose when i get to that fork in the road... maybe i'll take the road less traveled and just go for it..... put my all into something that i have no idea what's going to happen and go for it....... if i knew what was really going on with my "friend" and his thoughts and feelings and everything else then...... i could choose my road.......

Sometimes I wish i could pack all my belongings rent a car and just leave........ go someplace....... start my life over..... there's someone i would like to take with me when i go....... it doesnt mean that i wouldnt keep in touch with my family because i would..... i love my family....... and i would come back to see them...... to spend time with them or whatever.......
but there is someone that i want to go get and we can just go to where ever the road takes us.............. and just get out of here....... oh i dont know but i need to go and make something to eat....... it is around that time......... i will be back............ so wait for another installment