I just don't know what to do with myself anymore

I'm so confused about everything anymore. It's almost christmas and it just doesnt feel the same without granny here. its just weird. i'm really not sure what to do with myself. i just want to get high on anything or everything and or just get this shit over with and end it all........ i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. I really like this guy and i keep pushing him away... i guess i'm just scared. That he's going to hurt me in the long run. He was really sweet, and he's easy to talk to, then he get's weird and doesnt want to talk, I just dont know what to do with anything anymore... like why the hell do guys have to play head games... i'm going to watch my new movie i got for xmas........... i just want to be left alone