So let's see.... where should i begin? i guess the begining would be a good place to start... there's this guy i'm really feelin him.... well i was. well i dont know how i feel anymore right now.. everything was ok we were talkin or whatever, then he started actin real funny stopped callin, now he's fuckin with some other girl, but has feelings for me........ wow.... i just dont know... i dont think he planned on really telling me about the girl i think it kind of slipped out... which it did hurt my feelings a bit, i guess i wear my heart on my sleeve and i shouldn't i know better than that. i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve with Marvin... but then again he was my bitch... i felt like the man in the relationship and i didnt really like that much either i like a man who's gonna speak up and tell me off once in a while fuckin at least stand up to me when i get in my moods... then Jeremiah came back into my life after like 5 years of not speaking at all, it was weird, like i was floored when i realized who it was.. like wow... it got me confused for a little bit like why r u coming back now? every time things go wrong with a guy it makes me miss Marvin so much and I sometimes wish I knew where he was and that he was ok. I worry about him too much he's a big boy and knows what he's doing I just pray that he's really ok.
I've been so lonely the last year its pathetic... I just can't seem to find anyone that matches up to what I had with Marvin, I really did love him and still do in a way it's not the same anymore, and it changes everyday goes away a little more and a little more, it's been a year and a half since we talked at all. Everything changed between us that day in may........ we both made a stupid decision we were so in love and wanted to be together and just couldnt wait...... I for one was definately not thinking clearly... but I also knew what he was going through as well. Maybe it's just as well and we're just bad for each other. And I think that I'm ok with that now it took me a long time to get to that point, but at least i'm there now. but this guy......... he just wont get out of my head and i dont know what to do about it anymore... i know it wont work out right now between us but that doesnt mean that it would never work... i guess if we wanted it to but i dont know how he feels and i dont know...........i wish i could just clear my head of all thoughts and just forget anything that i may have started as far as my feelings go....... ya know... i did get advice from my friend and he told me to move on......... not to even fuck with the dude anymore..... that i'm just gonna get hurt...... well he said alot more than that but thats between us but i needed a mans pov on the situation so i told him everything, cuz i knew i could tell him anything and he would give me his honest opinion, just because we been down together for a long time since 01..... and i love him i can honestly say i got love for him as a friend and i have loved him since that night i told him to fall back and break his neck.....and from that point he had to know who i was........god we made nights go by in that fuckin place....... we had each other... if we didn't i dont know what i would've done thats for sure. And I love him for that time we shared together...
But there's something about this other guy....... he seems so much different....... i can talk to him about my crazy ass........ and i am nutz in a way..... my own way....... i'm just me, i like him ALOT, and i dont know what to do about that....... i dont know.. i just really don't know and it scares me to not know about what to do bcuz i always know the next step i'm going to take when i'm doing something... but with him he's got me so confused about how i feel about everything i dont know what i'm doing anymore..... maybe someday..... i dont know maybe we should hang out and see where it goes....... or if it doesn't.... right.......... well that's all i have to say right now....... my brain just can't comprehend anything at the moment i feel very depressed well not depressed, so much as confused and sad, and angry, and just lots of feelings all rolled up into one......... so i'm done writing for right now...... i think i'm going to lay down and take a nap........ g'nite for now............until next time
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