I Gotta Get Outta Here!!!!!

I don't know what to do I just want to run away........ Far far far away... leave all this behind and say fuck it. But for what? Really? Because I'm sick of being told what to do and when to do it every single day? Yeah that's a big part of it, but there's also a little more on my mind as well..... HIM..... I want to be so close to him, yet a part of me says no don't do it. Then I think how will I ever know if I don't take a chance in life? If I don't then I'll always have those thoughts, would it have worked? could it have worked out? was it just a lust type deal? was it just a friends with benefits deal??? I'll never know unless I try right? Besides life is about the choices we make and the roads we travel. When you're at a fork in the road which way do you go, the more comfortable one for you? Or do you take that chance? Do you put everything on the line? Do you put everything out there? Can you put your all into it again? And risk being hurt? Can you say fuck it and just try? See where life takes you? You can make it, you've done it before in life. You've been in shelters, incarcerated, with no where to live. You've lived in your car in the middle of January with a 1/8th tank of gas and no where to go. When it was below freezing and the only thing you had was the clothes on your back. You're still alive. When Greg left you in the Bronx with no place to live you made it. It may have taken you some time but you made it. I think of those nights, the thoughts I was 24 years old, and in the city walking with my little bag with everything I had at the time all I owned, I could have been raped and beaten and killed and no one would've known. I just would've been gone. Greg didn't care. He really fucked up my life. But that was the choice I made. I let him in it. He's dead to me now. I don't know where he is and I don't care really. As long as he's happy with his life and he's doing well now. I hope rehab helped him! He did need it that is for sure. I really need to get ready to go. I'm supposed to be going shopping.. I just had so much on my mind this morning.. I just want to be happy again. Like I was with Marvin. He just loved me for no reason at all I didn't see it that's for sure. But, he did. I want that kind of happiness back. I want to feel that again. Those thoughts where I can trust someone so completely with everything in my being and love them so unconditionally, and know they felt that same feeling for you. I've a long way since him though and I'm stronger because of him. So, it all comes down to how I feel now. With this new person in my life. My new "friend", even though he's not such a new friend. We have talked for some time. I just never realized who he was until now. Now I have to figure it all out. I just wonder how he truely feels. If he really wants oh I don't know. Maybe I'm just living a pipe dream... Hoping for something....... someone......... and it will never really happen.. Sometimes I wonder was I really meant to be alone? Oh.. this is enough for now. I do have to go get my shopping done. I will write more later tonight I'm sure. I have too much on my mind to not write. So until the next installment....................