Better Man

I was listening to this song.. I'm sure you've heard it.. by Pearl Jam and the lyrics really just hit home...

Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Ohh...

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah...

She loved him, yeah...
she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah...
that's why she'll be back again

Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better... man...

it really makes me think that i cant find a better man... i try and try to look and look in all the wrong places.. so i'm going to stop looking for love and let it find me this time. i'm sick and tired of trying to make relationships work.. there is/was someone i really like or liked or something i just don't know anymore how i feel. i think i got the answer that i was looking for the day i was told there was no reply for an email... that wall that everyone puts up went right back up higher than it's ever been and i dont know if i can let it down even slightly.. i don't think i want to. i've done it one too many times and i've gotten nothing but heartache and hurt. and i dont want to cry over someone again. i used to have this dream i'd meet the man i was going to marry when i was 20 and we'd start having kids by time i was 25 and we'd be a happy family. Dreams change... life happens... look at me now i'm 28 years old.. been convicted of many crimes all which i did.. i have a problem i deal with that every single day it will never go away and i can slip at any time at all. i also suffer from an eating disorder which isnt good. and to top it off i'm on medication for Bipolar II disorder.. which could be from all the abuse i dealt with my entire life. that's why i associate abuse with love... if i'm being abused in some way then they love me... am i fucked up or what? yeah yeah yeah i know i know.. you dont have to tell me i live in my head 24-7. actually when i'm on my meds i'm not a bad person. i'm very down to earth and i just want someone to love me for everything that i am. is that really to much to ask? seriously? i dont know. it seems to be at times.. let's see where did my problems really start besides my home life, i'm not really sure, school maybe. i hated school. even though i'm a bright person i really didnt care for school too much. go figure. now i'm in school taking paralegal studies. it will be a new thing to be on the other side of the law for once in my life. i'm actually not doing too shabby in the classes either one class i have a 94.5% and the other class i have an 88.7% it's a little harder to follow i had a hard time following that in the begining but thats just because my brain goes so much faster that i can't comprehend what i'm reading at times and there was so much reading that i didnt take everything in that i should have... but i have two weeks off so i'm going to be workin my ass off to catch up and get things rollin....... but that's all i have for now.. so until next time...........